Ok, for serious, I'm actually feeling way better. I've been stuck inside of the apartment since Sunday with a really bad cold and or the flu and am now about 85-90% recovered thanks to mass amounts of cold medicine, intense napping, and all sorts of natural "babushka" remedies. All of this time in bed has given me lots of time to think about the past couple weeks here in the good old former Soviet Union. It is a cold and strange place devoid of sunlight and chocolate croissants at a reasonable price. I think it's time for a list of grievances. Before some people (ты знаешь кто) accuse me of having poor adaptive skills, let me remind you that it was your country that tried to strike me dead in the first place. The next time you come to the US and get sick, you have my leave to spit on the Washington Monument and call us fat capitalist pigs for stealing your health. So now to the list.
1) The Sun: Seriously. Where the hell is the sun here? You know that there's a serious lack of sunlight when everytime the smallest, weakest ray of light wheezes its way out from behind the cloud cover, people get more excited than a Greek philosopher at a NAMBLA meeting.
A picture taken the last time the sun was seen in Russia.
2) Smiling: Or rather, the determined lack there of. One of my professors told me that people here keep a smile in their hearts, instead of on their faces. This might have been touching, save for the fact that Russia is not a Disney movie. What does smiling get you in Russia? Raped (and or killed or mugged). According to ACTR. Then again, a lot of things will get you raped/killed/mugged here, according to them. Sometimes I feel like breaking out into song and prancing down the street, just to see what would happen. Someone would probably scowl disapprovingly and then a metro worker/fast food worker would apparate to yell at me. They are the worst offenders. Buckingham palace should replace the Beefeaters with a couple frumpy Nevskii Prospekt metro ticket booth wenches. No one would dare make silly faces at them.
Your average metro worker when you give her anything other than exact change for your ticket.
3) Change: Why is making change the end of the world here? Refer to the above picture. That's anyone, anytime you try to give them something that isn't exact change. Oh, I see you have a crisp, new 500 ruble note. You might as well use it to wipe yourself (because guess what, there's no such thing as toilet paper here either) because no one's touching that sucker. Spending it somewhere other than McDonalds or Dom Knigi? You out of luck, friend. Oh, you insist on using it? Here. I'll make "change" with some gum and cheap trinkets I pulled out of my...purse. Really Russia?
4) Public Toilets: God. Damn. It. Toilets here are the nastiest thing ever. They are truly the work of Satan himself. My advice is never have to pee in Russia. Ever. Just don't. You're better off just shaming yourself in public than venturing into a public restroom (if you can even find one). Think of the dirtiest, most vom inducing gas station toilet you've ever been forced to use. Don't ever complain about it. You could live like a king there, compared to the average restroom over here. Oh, and you'll probably have to pay to use it. So about that 500 note...yeah...you're better off going in the woods and using that.
The dorm room toilet that leads to the abyss. Maybe this isn't the best example of the horrors I described.
So there you have it. These are my complaints for the time being. I could think of more but four seems like a good number. And I'm lazy. Since my the horror of my moaning and complaining probably ruined your day, I present you with a picture of my host dog, Cheburashka in a pink rain coat. Sho keewweeetttt.
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